It’s been a hot minute since I last uploaded anything and I’ve felt like absolute crap the whole time. I really wanted to upload something but I kept getting my own way. Always thinking about how it could be received. How it wasn’t perfect. How it wasn’t really representative of me.
(Image by congerdesign from Pixabay)
Some people have a lot more time on their hands these days because they have to stay inside more. Therefore, more of them could come across my site and experience true horror. So I took a break…
That’s a lie.
The Fake Break
It wasn’t really much of a break because I kept beating myself up about abandoning my dream. I worked on a bunch of projects for Glass of AJ and did some college work while I was at it. All of those projects are still unfinished and I just feel like I’ve messed up greatly. What can I say I’ve done for the past month and a half? I have nothing tangible to show for it other than some raw video files and recordings that need to be redone for the good of the planet.
The weather recently in London has been quite indicative of my mood. I’m writing this during a thunderstorm, so you get the picture.
Social Difficulties
I wanted to talk about how lockdown may have messed up any chance of me integrating back into society flawlessly. What do you expect from someone who has spent the last three months avoiding conversations, then blessing anyone they do manage to speak to with a vast array of expletives and broken sentences?
Have I lost my professional persona? Am I a completely different person now? I was able to split myself between work and home before, why should that be different after lockdown is fully lifted and I return to work?
I obviously have my doubts that the world will return to normal, so I guess I held those same thoughts about myself. I can’t even bring myself to do the things that I enjoy without feeling guilty.
About the time that I’ve wasted.
About the money that I’ve been given to do almost nothing.
For not talking to my friends when they reach out.
Endless Misery
I’m stuck in an endless cycle of seeing other people’s work, appreciating it, then realising that I could also pull it off myself. I never try and do it myself though. I just end up with a huge wad of resentment for other people that can seemingly do these things without barriers. I’m just sitting there thinking about doing things and never doing them. Stopping myself from trying because I’m my own worst critic. Telling myself that “nobody cares about anything you create.” Even though I know it’s not true, I can’t stop thinking that way.
It was simpler when I had to go to work. I had clear reasons for why there wasn’t enough time to complete projects for my website. The long commute, 8-hour day, and the need to prepare for the following day were reasons enough for me. Now I, arguably, have too much time. This brings me back to the idea I’ve talked about in previous posts, where I spend the time that could be used to achieve my dreams just thinking about them and how my efforts may be fruitless, unnoticed, or garner hatred.
Yet again, I feel useless to the world. These are the perks of depression, y’all should(n’t) try it sometime.
There’s Always Tomorrow…
Like anyone, I have good and bad days with some meh days sprinkled in between. There just seems to be an endless string of bad ones lately. Am I being fussy over nothing, or should I genuinely be concerned about my descent into the deep dark abyss of hopelessness? It could just be the weather.
The world fell apart in a matter of months over a few bad decisions, who’s to say the same couldn’t happen to me. Who’s to say that things will be OK when this is all over? Will it ever be over? Will I ever stop droning on and on with stupid questions no-one wants to answer?
Welcome to my existential crisis.
Holy crap, that was a lot of rambling. I apologise and hope you are doing OK out there. Even though this was a messy post, it might kick-start my content creation again. Baby steps, baby steps…
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