Following up from last week’s post, I did try to keep track of where my time was going. The operative word here is “try”. I managed to do this for the first couple of days, then I just forgot to keep up with it. I did notice that my “worry time” increased this week, probably due to the fact that I had spent an awful lot of time writing a cover letter for an office job. The job? A Post Room Assistant position. I used to work as a casual mail sorter, so I thought it would be a good fit for me and give me the chance to build more experience within an office environment.
But harking back to my time dilemma, I would say about a third of my day is spent sleeping; which is a healthy amount if you do the maths, and a good 4 hours is spent worrying. Okay students, how many hours does that leave Ade to write amazing job applications? 12 hours. 12 hours? 12 HOURS! I think I need to conduct this experiment again, but with more conviction. I need to get to the bottom of this. My calculations must be off and I may have an idea as to why that is.
I don’t think my brain works anymore. Since I left formal education, I have experienced a significant lack of brain functionality. Now, this doesn’t mean I am not intelligent (although I may think that way sometimes), but it does mean that I have trouble with seemingly simple tasks. I believe this due to the lack of mental stimulation I get from job searching. The real thinking comes in when completing in-depth applications and coming up with ways to answer interview questions in a tasteful fashion, which isn’t as often as you would think. But if you did take the time, you could learn a bunch of preconceived answers and relay them like a robot when asked – just like school. I’d say one thing that has significantly been impacted, is my ability to speak.
I never was a smooth-talker or a chatterbox, but I feel like I could still speak to people and hold a decent conversation with them in the past. You wanted a chat? I could have one, but don’t expect it to be an everyday thing. I can still speak of course, but now I take a backseat in conversations. I only say what needs to be said in a “mic-drop” type fashion. I’m the boss of one-liners… at least when they land. This is great for conversations in big groups of people while in a casual setting, but not for interviews and assessment centres. It’s hard to see comedy being tolerated in a corporate setting.
There are days where I can’t even say simple things without stumbling on my words or starting the sentence in 3 different ways first. It’s like my brain refuses to send clear messages to my mouth and I just end up sounding like I’ve forgotten my native language. When I am asked questions, even simple ones, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, and probably look like one too. These are usually the days where I am in a bit of haze and find everything confusing, including my coordination. It’s like there’s a fog over everything and I find it hard to think clearly.
In this state, I get really clumsy and can end up hurting myself, or spilling an entire drink down my shirt. I bump into door frames and stub my toes on things that aren’t in my way in the slightest. I honestly don’t need a rogue Lego brick or three-pin plug to have a bad day. I also have trouble with mental maths, establishing ideas and plans, composing written content and being attentive.
It’s possible that I’m a bit too critical with the changes that have occurred since I left university. Or perhaps I feel a deep need to cuss myself out compared to Ade from a year and a half ago. But when I think about it, I was more miserable back then for a slew of different reasons. “Current Me” definitely has one-up on “Past Me” though – a brighter outlook.
It’s likely that I overthink my actions, leading me to screw them up and have some sort of accident. I think the solution to all of this is to keep going, with my job search and my life, and to stop worrying so much. I should talk more and take things as they come. Also, maybe I should go to the doctor and find out more about my balance issues. When people I know tell me about their possible medical issues, I always say in a big, booming voice – “GO TO THE DOCTOR.” I should really follow my own advice.
We all face barriers when trying to reach new places in our lives. I once had a friend that called these barriers; which were sometimes other people, “Enemies of Progress.” Find ways to overcome your barriers and “defeat” your enemies. Analyse yourself and figure out what can be done better, how you can solve a problem and what resources are out there to help you. No one reaches success on their own – there’s always someone to help you get there. Always strive to be your best self today, then beat your best tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.
I know this was a departure from my usual content, but I felt like changing it up. Sorry for the cheesy ending to a roller-coaster ride of a post, but here we are. Also, make sure you look after yourselves. It’s the most important thing before anything or anyone else.
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