OK, this story is a bit grim, but it seems funny after it had time to settle.
Is it short for Reginald, Regina or some other third name? That’s up to you.
Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels
And so it begins…with the bins!
About two months ago, I was taking out the bins. The usual, except I’m doing it during the day. I usually go at night to avoid people and stuff. Plus, the night air is so much more relaxing (and probably way less polluted).
I open the door to bring the bags out, but before I could even get my two feet out, what do I find about two feet away? Reggie.
Reggie is the name I gave to the dead rat I found outside my flat.
I’m not an animal person, but I felt sorry for Reggie meeting their end on the patio of my first floor flat.
“How did you even get here, you must be a long way from home? Did one of my neighbours put you here as a prank, or was this just your unfortunate final resting place?”
Before I had the clarity to ask these questions to myself, I had to do one thing.
I screamed and ran back inside the flat!
I needed some time to process what the fuck was outside, why three flies where sitting on it and what the hell I’m going to do about it.
I tried to tell my sibling, but they got pissed at me for waking them up from a nap in hysterics.
I was on my own…
A solution presents itself…
I was taking out a bunch of trash, right? Something here had to help me with my Reggie problem.
Hey, I know! I have some Amazon boxes and other cardboard things, let’s fold those up and use them like tongs to move Reggie!
But where?
Oh yeah, the open hole in the wall to the drainpipe! At least maybe they can find their way to another final resting place.
I gather my guts, fold some boxes and head out to Reggie, mutter some apologies and get to moving them.
One problem. The cardboard is too thin and weak to support Reggie’s weight. I never realised how heavy and cumbersome a rat could be to move with some cardboard. I was ill prepared for my tongs idea. Who knew Amazon and Domino’s could disappoint you so long after their products were used?
Wait, another idea popped into my head. Why don’t I use these as paddles to shift Reggie towards the drainpipe, instead of carrying them there? Let’s do it!
This time, for real!
So I gathered my might again and began to roll Reggie’s body along the patio. With every flip, I apologised and cringed because of the feeling of something that once held life thudding on the floor, being disposed of in such a way.
I’m not an expert at disposing of rats, but I’m doing my best – because I’m sure my neighbours won’t care to fix this. They left the remnants on a broken pane of glass on the ground for weeks!
Self-motivation goes a long way!
“This is fine, we’re almost there! Come on, this is just a fucked up point ‘n’ click adventure game! This is how you solve the puzzle!”
I had to psych myself up somehow, but what I didn’t have to do was say this aloud.
Remember, it was daytime. People on the street could hear me, and they probably thought I wasn’t all there. From the street, all you can see is a low wall, with a railing on top of it. They probably couldn’t even see the trash I wanted to take out from down there, let alone Reggie.
With a few more apologies and moments to stop and say jokes to myself out loud to keep going, I finally got Reggie to escape the hell of my patio and slide down the drainpipe, or exit out onto the street below. Just as long as there was a way to properly dispose of them, it was fine by me.
A final goodbye
Sorry Reggie. I’m sorry your final moments were spent on my patio-balcony, all alone.
I’m sorry your funeral procession consisted of an ill suited young adult shimmying your body along a raised platform and into a gutter pipe.
I’m sorry that my only tools were cardboard that I was disposing of because I wasn’t in the mood to catch anything from you.
I still think of you from time to time. Hopefully you’re living a better afterlife now.
Rest in Peace, Reggie 
A Sign-off and a Call to Action!
Thank you so much for reading this comedic version of a traumatic experience I faced! I wrote this on the fly to one of my good friends to try and lift her spirits, and it was her that encouraged me to post it! I hope you enjoyed it too!
Do you have any scary experiences that you can put a funny spin on? Share them in the comments, email me or send me a DM on Instagram!
If you want to read more of my content, I have plenty of random posts on this website for you to engage with. From poems and short stories to essays and reflective accounts on a variety of topics, there will definitely be something to sink your teeth into on glassofaj.com!
I also stream games to Twitch on Mondays and Fridays from 9 PM GMT/BST as AnAppleAde! Feel free to swing by and say hi!
Until next time, stay safe and…
Stay Thirsty!
Ade
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