So, I’m going to be honest with you.
Photo by Brett Jordan
I have no idea what I’m doing.
That may not come as a shock, because I think really deep down, most people feel the same. They may find reasons to keep going with things in life, but if those reasons weren’t a factor, maybe they would be in a completely different place.
The Problem
What really bugs me is that this site no longer has a clear niche, which makes it harder to explain what on earth I do here. I used to write a lot about job applications, interviews and the woes of being on a budget.
Those things haven’t necessarily changed, but there are more ideas that seem to fit into One-Offs rather than Post-Uni Lifestyle. Don’t even get me started on Guaranteed Failure! The blog-based mainstays of my website were the reason I started it in the first place. But I guess reasons to keep going don’t just disappear – they can also change.
The feeling of not having a clear idea or path upsets me. I know it doesn’t mean I have lost passion for Glass of AJ. It just means I actually feel lost and unsure of what to do next in general.
The Opportunity
Each month, I have the chance to write something powerful, meaningful and poignant, but I always feel like that chance is wasted, even when I have a decent idea for a project.
I know I don’t give myself enough time to flesh something out, often rushing a post within the space of 2 days or less, even when I have the whole month to make something magical. We could chalk that up to procrastination – but maybe there is something else going on.
The Explanation
Everything I do in life lately tends to have an air of “I guess I’ll just try to feel alive even when I don’t – just to keep people happy”.
Without getting into too much detail – the state of the world is terrible and life just seems to get harder and harder to deal with everyday. I struggle to get out of bed, even on days when I have something fun to do or have time off work. It all just feels like one big campaign that doesn’t have a clear ending, or neat little chapters to show that the worst is over and you can actually move on.
Maybe I romanticise the idea of stories so much, I feel like life should be the same. It should be easily compartmentalised into arcs that don’t drag on and on until you don’t have the energy to keep going anymore.
The Emotions
Happiness comes in small intermittent waves for me. Even when I am happy, some other negative emotion will find its way into the mix.
Maybe this is just the bitterness of an adult speaking, but I just wished that I felt more happy to be here. To be alive.
Even when I do the one thing I enjoy at the moment – streaming on Twitch, I still feel annoyed, anxious and filled with dread right before or after going live.
I also feel those heavy, negative feelings when I try to click publish on a blog post. When I try to come up with a witty or inspiring caption for an Instagram post. Even when I’m about to send a newsletter to my subscribers.
Somehow, the negativity feels amplified on here. Maybe it’s because I’ve been at Glass of AJ longer than streaming as AnAppleAde. It could also be the constant exposure to the idea of streaming compared to the blogging aspect of my online exploits.
Exposure might be it.
The Cycle
I always think about posting more to YouTube and TikTok and keep coming up with ideas that might be fun to post, but I never get around to it. Now whenever I think about editing an old video to post or finding the time to film or record something new, I feel paralysed by fear.
Doing anything online fills me with fear, to be honest. But if today was my last day on this planet, I would want some of my dreams and ideas to exist in a permanent format. I don’t want to just fade away and not have achieved some of my lifelong goals.
I think what I’m saying is – I want to leave a positive mark on the world in the form of both silly and serious online content that speaks to people, makes them feel seen and understood, and gives them the positive energy that I haven’t been able to find, or at least sustain.
I just feel too scared to do it.
A More Positive Sign-Off and a Call to Action
Thank you for reading my depressing monologue! Sorry if this was a downer, but I think getting this off my chest was needed. This is what hosting fees are for, eh!
What projects have you always wanted to do, but haven’t had the chance to make into a reality? Share them in the comments, email me or send me a DM on Instagram! I really hope you get to make your dreams come true!
If you want to read more of my content, I have plenty of random posts on this website for you to engage with. From poems and short stories to essays and reflective accounts on a variety of topics, there will definitely be something to sink your teeth into on glassofaj.com!
I also stream games to Twitch on Mondays and Fridays from 9 PM GMT/BST as AnAppleAde! Feel free to swing by and say hi!
Until next time, stay safe and…
Stay Thirsty!
Ade
Glass of AJ Links:
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AnAppleAde Links:
Instagram | Twitter | YouTube | Twitch
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