I’ve realised that I hold onto too many things in my life, even though I know I do not need them. This is a clear definition of hoarding if you didn’t already know. I have a problem, both physically and digitally. How so? Let me give you a couple of examples:
Physical Hoarding
I have things that I do not need or that are effectively useless because they are broken or are in wild abundance. Some of my belongings serve no purpose because I use a different version of the same thing. The majority of the clutter stems from my shopping habits on eBay, Wish and at discount stores like Poundland. And I always take things that people are going to throw away, so I have lots of party supplies but I don’t throw parties. It’s the environmentalist in me.
My room is just as unorganised as my mind, in the sense that everything has its place, but the order of things is not immediately discernible to an outsider. Even I have trouble finding things on a regular. But it’s not like I invite people over, no, I would never.
Digital Hoarding: Lappy
Lappy is my “stay-at-home” laptop husband. If that sounds weird to you, I completely understand. Lappy cannot really be transported anywhere without there being a problem. The last time I actively travelled with Lappy was my first year of university. That ended when my laptop would not switch on and I had an assignment to complete by the end of the month.
My manufacturer’s warranty had run out and I hadn’t renewed it, so I was stuck. I visited the computer repair shop near my campus and confided in them to fix my baby. They fixed Lappy, but it feels more like they “fixed” him.
The issue was that the hard drive had disconnected from the rest of the laptop so it would just boot up with a classy black screen. The repair person replaced the hard drive; which was 1TB with a 500GB model. No big deal for normal people, but for me, it was an insult. I realised that I had filled up 300 GB of storage on the D: drive alone. 100 GB was taking up the C: drive. I was in a real pickle. And I lost files because only the D: drive was recoverable. I really did a number on him, didn’t I?
I was fortunate enough that Tesco Direct, bless their souls, had 2TB Toshiba external hard drive on sale for £40. I snatched that baby up and now most of the things I use on Lappy are booted from that drive. I’m still miffed I spent £135 to get half the hard drive capacity, and that was including the student discount. Hmph!
Source?
I think my hoarding comes from a behaviour my mother instilled in me from a young age – be prepared. Being prepared isn’t a bad thing at all, sometimes being prepared is the difference between life and death – just ask the boy scouts! The problem here is that being prepared becomes over preparedness very quickly. Having so many books that you never read, games that you never play or pens that you never write with is a bit silly. I wish I had an abundance of clothes instead. I’m always rotating the same 10 outfits, so it would be a nice change.
Issues
I believe my hoarding in the digital sense has severely impacted the functionality of both of my laptops. I’m not saying they cannot turn on. I’m saying that struggle to run and sometimes stay on. Problematic, to say the least.
The fabled Blue Screen of Death is a constant companion. If I ever want to partake in time-sensitive internet related activities, I have to set aside up to 30 minutes to make sure my laptop is set up and any issues will not arise in use during that time. Still, a failed effort because my laptops love to act up!
It’s a sign that you may have a problem if you are still holding onto assignments from previous years in subjects that didn’t interest you. I’m trying to get out of this habit, but it’s difficult to let go of things, even if I know I will never use them again.
Purpose
Regardless of the different files I have from past institutions, there is a folder that is filled with way too many things, so many that I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through them all within a reasonable time-frame – My Recordings. I have 100s of files of untapped creativity. Just the fact that I have so many makes it overwhelming to consider digging through them and revive past ideas.
I mentioned in the “At My Wit’s End” post that I want to make music. It doesn’t really matter what type of music because I interested in so many different types. I want to make electronica, classical compositions, folk, rap, indie rock, a capella – the list goes on.
Where I find myself now, is a place where I cannot actively work on my music because the equipment is currently inaccessible. I do have a microphone on the way, not the one I ordered from eBay (more on that later) but one from Gear4Music.
I also don’t have the expertise to produce the more sophisticated types of music that I want to. I have yet to learn a lot of the things I promised myself that I would, and 2019 is almost over. I feel like I wasted the ample amounts of time I had while unemployed on feeling bad about not having a job and struggling to feel “okay”, instead of following my dreams and making them a reality.
Even just looking at my site’s tagline should highlight this to you. I tend to pursue the things that I want when I am in the right mood, and unfortunately – that’s not very often. The act of me spouting my dreams to you just seems pointless if I don’t appear to follow through with my projects. It just ends up as an exercise of showing how delusional someone can be.
And even if I do manage to add to or finish the projects I have been banging on about, the outcome may not be satisfying. I’m not referring to any outside interaction my work may receive. I am, of course, talking about my own perceptions of my work and how well the outcomes of my projects match my expectations.
“BAD MENTALITY” is my middle name!
I simply must stop with this crap because it doesn’t match up with my favourite saying; “If you keep your expectations low, you can never be disappointed.” – Ade, 2018
I never reach all the expectations I build up in my mind because the sky isn’t even the limit in there. If I want to be frank; it’s a madhouse 24/7 and things that would never be possible in real life are conjured up in my mind with ease. It’s irrational to think that I could possibly reach my expectations if they aren’t even close to being realistic.
A Promise
So I pledge to you, that I will make an effort to actualise my dreams, quit acting as if my aspirations are not valid and strive to live life with a little less worry. I will not be limited by a shoddy opinion of myself that has been evidenced to not be true. I will not hold high or unrealistic expectations for my future work and produce needless negative feelings.
I will empower myself, not devalue my abilities. Even if my first try is a disaster, that doesn’t mean my tenth try will be. Practice makes perfect.
If you are curious about why I have gone on this tangent, please look out for a song I will hopefully upload before the end of the month. It’s more like a jingle but I really hope I can make myself proud be finally showing the world a music piece I have created.
Take care, stay thirsty!
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