Originally written at the right time, but I wanted to go in a different direction creatively. That different direction is now a defunct project. Sorry for being such a flip-flop!
Image by Michael L. Hiraeth from Pixabay
Today is the 29th July 2020, which marks the 1 year anniversary of glassofaj.com going live! Happy Birthday, brainchild!
Fear Poorly Masquerades as Motivation
It has been a crazy 12 months, and that’s excluding the whole pandemic that’s happening. But COVID-19 has had an impact on me, although it hasn’t forced me to post more often like I’d hoped. I think it made me realise how important it was to start this journey in the first place. I obviously cannot change my past, but I can definitely shape my future. It also caused me to think more about using the day to accomplish as much as I can, because who knows what tomorrow will bring?
But this has obviously backfired. I spend even more of my time being retrospective about my content and how it compares to others. I think often about new ideas for both Glass of AJ and SimpleThimbles, but I hardly ever make them a reality.
As mentioned in a previous post, I find it hard to get things done for a number of reasons:
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being disliked
- Perfectionism
- Economic barriers
- Mental Barriers
- Procrastination
- And the mess that is my living space.
I have spent the last few weeks sorting through my belongings and figuring out what things I need, things that need to be thrown away and things that could be sold on eBay.
I still have a bit to do, but I feel as though my efforts are paying off. I rearranged my room and put some new furnishings in (bedside table, storage towers, etc.). I’ve attempted to decorate the space with rocks, toys and other paraphernalia to add some personality. It was a long time coming, but… I think I may be using it as a distraction.
Frozen in Place
I haven’t been motivated to complete assignments for college because my employer still has me on furlough. Why should I continue with a qualification, when it can be made moot if I get let go? My assessor convinced me otherwise, but I still have my reservations.
I’m also still in the head space of not making proper content because I feel like it won’t be good enough. It’s a silly thought and I should be following the philosophy of “Just Do It”, but motivation is a rare commodity these days.
The fear that it can all end tomorrow has frozen me in place – not pushed me to achieve my aspirations. It’s a mixture of procrastination, hopelessness and anxiety stopping me from progressing. I need to break out of this funk! I am working on stuff, but I feel discouraged and fool myself into thinking it’s not worth it.
Hindsight is 20/20, Foresight is 100/20
I have a “great” trait where I think scenarios through completely, if given enough time. This is great when making the decision to buy a new phone or plan my day around an event, but it kind of stops me from getting anything done in terms of online content creation. I think all the way to the point where my work receives tonnes of hate for no conceivable reason, other than “it just wasn’t good enough”. And then I just end up not starting in the first place.
Or if I do start something, I end up giving up halfway through and trying something else.
There are even rare times where something is pretty much complete, and I think about saving the world from my abomination and just quit.
Dab on the Haters!
I will upload another post today that I just didn’t upload when I wrote it. It was basically finished and ready to go, but I felt like I didn’t want to bother people with it. But now I’m bothering people with my “boohoo, woe is me” crap about why I don’t post often, so why the hell not?
By reflecting and seeing this post with new eyes, I think it’s a wonderful piece. It isn’t as sad as I thought it was and it perfectly represents my formerly bright outlook on life. It also shows how determined I was to get a job and explains what can be considered as barriers in a job search.
I am someone who is ready for a chance to be the best person I can be. I have the potential to be a great writer. I am not wasting my time. If I can look back at a post I never even released at the time and feel some level of pride, I must be doing something right.
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